Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

“...God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us…” (1 John 4:16-19, NIV).

Talk about a verse that feels abstract and difficult to apply. 

John reminds us that we do not have to fear punishment on the day of judgement because of God’s love for us displayed through Christ, and we love God and one another as a response to God’s love for us. In understanding and experiencing God’s love, we are then to obey the commands of Jesus and live out his love in the world. 

In studying human behavior, or just our own behavior, we can quickly see that the love of Jesus is not our natural response. When we feel wronged or hurt, our natural response is typically to retaliate or punish. In my marriage, punishment and retaliation looks like giving my husband the cold shoulder, being passive aggressive, or communicating with anger and criticism. In other words, I retaliate and punish as a response to feeling unwanted, unsupported, or rejected. I want him to feel the pain I’m experiencing because I desperately want to be seen and understood. Not only are those responses unloving, they are unhelpful in reaching the ultimate goal of being seen and understood and experiencing love. 

So what is the response of love? 

Jesus acknowledges that our natural response is often to try and punish others for the pain we feel. He offers and models a different way. Instead of retaliation and punishment, love responds with grace and truth. Love operates in empathy and compassion, assertive communication, and boundaries. Love initiates connection and reconciliation. 

What is grace? In our faith, grace is often understood as favor from God that we do not deserve. I may feel angry with my husband and think that he deserves my anger, but if I am going to respond like Christ, I will treat him with kindness and compassion even if he does not "deserve" it. 

What’s the truth? It’s easy to form beliefs out of pain. I feel rejected, and so it’s easy to believe thoughts like, “My husband does not want me or care about me. If he did, he would ___.” In my marriage, those thoughts are not true and can easily be challenged with evidence. It helps to catch those thoughts and replace them with the truth: “That was hurtful that he did not consider me. I know my husband cares about me. I have evidence for how he cares for me in these specific experiences _____.” 

The truth is also that Jesus loved me when I did not deserve it, and I will need to draw from the strength of the love of Jesus by His Spirit within me in order to live out the truth. 

It’s a common thought. “I’m tired of initiating and begging for my needs to be met.” Really, we are tired and want someone to chase us down. Jesus invites us to come to Him and experience His love and His rest because He has already chased us down. His love initiates. With His strength, we can initiate out of His love. 

Speaking the truth requires assertive communication. It is a courageous form of communication because it requires vulnerability and risks further hurt and rejection.

Passive aggressive communication comes out of fear and creates fear or anxiety. Passive aggressive communication include things like -

Backhanded compliments: "You did a great job on that project... I didn't think you had it in you".

Procrastination/failure to complete tasks: Agreeing to a task but then intentionally delaying it or doing it poorly.

The silent treatment: Ignoring someone as a form of punishment and refusing to communicate what is wrong, while denying they are upset if confronted.

Sarcasm: Using sarcastic jokes or comments to hide hostility.

Making excuses: Instead of directly refusing a request, a person makes up an untrue reason to avoid it, such as saying they are too busy when they are not.

Public complaints: Complaining loudly to a third party about a situation that involves the person, rather than speaking to them directly.

Intentionally withholding information: Keeping someone in the dark on purpose to cause them to miss a deadline or other negative outcome.

-Google Summary 

Passive communication avoids and disrespects your own needs and wants in order to please others, even at your own expense. 

Assertive communication considers and respects your own needs and wants while considering and respecting the wants and needs of others.

In the parent-child relationship, this involves different parenting styles of authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. Authoritarian and permissive styles have to do with fear and punishment. 

Assertive communication and authoritative parenting involve listening with empathy and compassion and establishing clear, consistent limits and boundaries. 

In parenting this looks like A-C-T limit setting and choices as consequences (see resource page of website), which are different from punishment. Consequences promote self-responsibility and respect as they have to do with learning from outcomes of behavior while punishment is punitive and is intended to make the person pay for their behavior. 

Limit-setting language for children is also boundary language for adults. 

(With a calm, factual, and even empathic tone)

“My love, I know you want to be able to do all of these things this week. This is too much for our schedule and means we would not get quality time as a family. I’m willing to pick one or two of these things.”

“I understand this is upsetting to you. I’m not willing to stay in this conversation if you are going to yell at me or talk down to me. I’m going to step into the other room until you are able to speak to me about this calmly.” 

“You are furious that the dog peed on the floor because it seems like it could have been avoided. You can tell me how you feel without blaming me for what happened.” 

“Mom, you feel disappointed with the way our house looks. I do not appreciate the looks and criticism you give me. I would appreciate it if you offered help or encouragement instead. If you choose to give me those looks and criticism when you come over, then we will come to you from now on.” 

While assertive communication feels risky and takes more effort, initiative, and self-control, it exposes pain and offers reconciliation with respect, so it creates opportunity for true and lasting peace in relationship. 

Practicing the way of love can get messy. The measure of success is not in how the person responds to love, but in our practice of love.

But what happens when we find ourselves in toxic or controlling relationships where the other party is unwilling to reconcile or respect our boundaries? There is often more to unravel when we begin this practice. If you find that you need help along this journey, it would be my delight to connect you to resources and support!

"Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us," (1 John 4:15-19, ESV).

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends," (John 15:9-13 ESV).